My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
