Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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