I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
