So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
