my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
