I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
