So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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