GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
This toilet bowl is my home.
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