I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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