you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
