I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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