he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
