You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
