ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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