Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
