i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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