I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is Oprah even human
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
