i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.