there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving