Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt