I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.