Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
