She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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