when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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