I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
