new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
