i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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