fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
