I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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