I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
