I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
