I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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