A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
