you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
