This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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