The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
