Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
