If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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