next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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