How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
