I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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