Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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