So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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