She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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