Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
