The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
