I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
