Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
