Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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