Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
did you just send me my own nude
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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