i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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