This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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