i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
