eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Pants are for mortals
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