Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
