he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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