a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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