what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
