I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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