Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
