Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
