Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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